Obama and Clinton team up today and immediately
announce that the race is over. One of them is going
to be the Presidential nominee and one of them is
going to be the Vice Presidential nominee. It's a done
deal, and they're running together.

Can you imagine how Earth-shattering this announcement
would be? Every single farmer, accountant, lawyer,
barista, student, fisherman, computer salesman,
factory worker, pundit, politician, and porn star
would be talking about it all day long. MSNBC, CNN,
and Fox News wouldn't even bother to cover McCain's
visit to the White House with anything more than just
a cut in while talking about the stunning
Obama/Clinton news (OK, maybe Fox would). While Chris
Matthews and Paul Begala and Brit Hume and everyone
else tries to figure out what Obama and Clinton are
going to do, blindside them with the most stunning
announcement in modern politics. It will reset the
race, and McCain will never see it coming.

It's common wisdom that if this Democratic primary
season goes all the way to June, McCain gets a big
boost because he's the Republican nominee and can
actually run for President instead of having to spend
time campaigning against Mike Huckabee (sorry Ron
Paul, I keep forgetting). While Obama and Clinton are
tearing into each other with speeches and ads and
strategic leaks
(and giving McCain endless ammo to use against whoever
the Democratic nominee is this fall), McCain can get
his party behind him, get endorsement after
endorsement, and really make the Democrats look like
they don't know who they want to see run against him
in November.

Of course, this will never happen. Stuff like this
only happens in movies and on television. It's too
West Wing. Or,
more accurately, it's too Falcon Crest.
But that's the
best part: they *can* do it on television. Make it a
spectacle. Do it in prime time. Oh, wait, American
Idol is on Wednesday. Maybe they can do it before
Idol. If they can't get all of the networks to cover
it (of course they would, this would be the biggest
news of the past ten Presidential elections), then I'm
sure Oprah would
bump Halle Berry for a day.

Of course, this could all be just a fever-induced,
crazy idea. Did I tell you I finally got that thing
that's been going around?










]]> Wed, 5 Mar 2008 15:54:08 EST 90083 hours, but it's time to eat and watch the news. Good
night everyone.

11:47pm: Best Picture: Norbit! Just kidding. It's
No Country For Old Men. There will be pissed off
fans of another film that was nominated.

11:45pm: Best Director: Joel and Ethan Cohen, No
Country For Old Men.

11:34pm: Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be
Blood.

11:30pm: Helen Mirren is the type of woman who seems
so incredibly classy but might also say the word
"fuck" at any moment. That also describes Diablo Cody,
by the way.

11:25pm: Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody,
Juno.

11:24pm: How the hell is Harrison Ford going to do all
of the stunts in the new Indiana Jones flick?

11:22pm: There are still a few big awards left. This
isn't going to be over at 11:30.

11:17pm: Best Documentary Feature: Taxi To The Dark
Side.

11:14pm: Nice, having soldiers in Iraq giving the
nominees for Best Documentary Short, which goes to
Freeheld.

11:10pm: Best Original Score: Atonement.

11:07pm: I just realized I haven't eaten anything
since 6pm. I think I have some pizza left in the
fridge.

11:03pm: The annual salute to the People Who Died.
This always makes me uncomfortable, because the
audience claps for famous names and not so much for
others. Did they even show Brad Renfro?

11:00pm: Best Cinematography: There Will Be Blood.

10:57pm: Wow, they let Marketa Irglova come back out
and finish her acceptance speech. Is that a first for
Oscar?

10:52pm: A clip of Steven Spielberg winning for
Schindler's List. Did you know he dated Valerie
Bertinelli in the 80s? Weird. She's going to talk
about it Monday on Oprah.

10:50pm: Best Song: "Falling Slowly" from Once.

10:49pm: John Travolta almost falls down. That would
have served him right for dancing in almost all of his
movies.

10:43pm: Best Foreign Language Film: The
Counterfeiters.

10:35pm: Mother of God, how is it possible that Robert
Boyle is still alive? 98 years old. That's great. And
he's better dressed and more with it than most of the
people here tonight.

10:31pm: Nicole Kidman now looks like someone made up
to look like Nicole Kidman.

10:30pm: Best Film Editing: The Bourne Ultimatum.
Hey, if it's not going to get the biggie noms, these
are the next best thing.

10:27pm: That's right, Forrest Gump won in '94.
Jesus.

10:25pm: A montage of Best Picture winners. Have you
noticed no one is clapping during these montages
tonight?

10:19pm: The Wii looks like fun, but I think I'd be
afraid that the controller would slip out of my hand
and fly into my TV screen.

10:13pm: Best Actress: OK, who had Marion Cottilard in
the Oscar pool?

10:08pm: No wins for Transformers, but Best Picture is
still to come.

10:06pm: Best Sound Mixing: The Bourne Ultimatum.

10:03pm: Best Sound Editing: The Bourne Ultimatum.

10:00pm: Seth Rogan IS Dame Judy Dench.

9:54pm: Amy Sedaris, Mary Tyler Moore, Bonnie Hunt...I
now have to add Kristin Chenoweth to my wish list.

9:49pm: Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel and Ethan Cohen,
No Country For Old Men.

9:46pm: Anyone else remember Josh Brolin from a
short-lived TV show in the 80s called Private Eye?

9:45pm: I don't know what sounds more odd, that
Jessica Alba is on stage at the Oscars or that she
hosted the Scientific and Technical Awards.

9:38pm: Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton,
Michael Clayton. She looks genuinely shocked. Kudos
to her for mentioning Clooney and the Bat-Nipples.

9:35pm: Ruby Dee seems amazed at her own performance
clip from American Gangster.

9:33pm: Best Animated Short Film: "Peter and the
Wolf." When I was in elementary school, if you
finished your work early, your reward was to go into
the corner of the classroom and listen to the "Peter
and the Wolf" record with headphones. Really.

9:31pm: Oh my God, Jerry Seinfeld and that damn bee
are back.

9:30pm: Best Live Action Short Film: Le Mozart Des
Pickpockets, which I believe translates to "Mozart
Got Laid By A Pickpocket."

9:28pm: Owen Wilson!

9:26pm: Nothing against the song from August Rush,
but I'm taking this time to mix another drink. This
sentence is brought to you by Hendrick's Gin.

9:19pm: While we're in a commercial break, let me
remind everyone that Lindsay Lohan also won an acting
award this weekend.

9:17pm: Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, No
Country For Old Men.

9:11pm: Best Art Direction: Sweeney Todd

9:08pm: Best Visual Effects: The Golden Compass.

9:00pm: Amy Adams is singing one of the 33 songs
nominated from Enchanted. Strange that she's singing
as her Princess character but in regular clothes.

8:57pm: Best Make Up: La Vie En Rose

8:54pm: Best Animated Feature: Ratatouille

8:44pm: Best Costume Design: Elizabeth, The Golden
Age.

8:41pm: "Gaydolph Titler." That's going to be
someone's screen name before the night is over.

8:35pm: One of those opening montages that make you
think "wow, the movies were better years ago."

8:27pm: No, it's not "Xavier" Bardem, Reege.

8:26pm: ABC has a countdown clock in the lower left
hand corner. Three and a half minutes! Can you feel
the excitement?! (Answer: no)

8:17pm: Reege is interviewing the "oldest Oscars
bleacher fan," an 85 year-old who is talking about her
very first trip to the Oscars, way way back in...1986.

8:10pm: Alright, I have to start drinking. Gin and
tonic here I come.

8:04pm: "Edith Piaf died before you were born!" Shauna
Robinson's in-depth observation to Marion Cottilard

8:01pm: Regis Philbin? I think he hosts every other
show currently on television (the ones that Seacrest
doesn't host).

7:59pm: OK, time to switch over to ABC...

7:41pm: Is that Tilda Swinton or Eric Stoltz?

7:35pm: Sean Puffy Diddy Combs has a new nickname:
"The Did."

7:34pm: Seacrest wants to know if Jessica Alba is
going to breast feed her kid.

7:22pm: OMG! IT'S HANNAH MONTANA! SHE'S LIKE TOTALLY
CUTE AND EVERYTHING! MILY CYRUS 4EVA! OMG!!

7:19pm: Gary Busey just popped up between Seacrest and
Jennifer Garner and slapped Seacrest on the back hard.
Very weird moment.

7:09pm: There's no way that James McAvoy was ever
seriously considered for James Bond. What is he, 5
foot 6? (Actually he's 5 foot 7 - thank you IMDb!

6:55pm: John Travolta now has the painted-on hair of
GI Joe. The hell?

6:51pm: E! is showing what different people look like
with "The Bardem," Javier Bardem's hairstyle from No
Country For Old Men. Personally, as a balding man, I'd
go for a Clooney or a Carell or at this point even a
Carrot Top.

6:44pm: A producer for a show in the UK has his face
directly in Ryan Seacrest's crotch. [Insert your own
joke here.]

6:41pm: Yes, I do.

6:40pm: All this talk about dresses and jewelry and
fashion, I have to check to make sure I do indeed
still have testicles.

6:29pm: I should probably tell you right now that I'm
wearing a sweatshirt by Champion, jeans by Levi, and
sneakers by Nike.

6:20pm: Wow, I didn't know Steve Buscemi was
co-hosting E!'s red carpet coverage. Oh, sorry, that's
Ken Baker.

6:15pm: Hello, and welcome to the 2008 Oscars Semi-Live Blog. I don't know
what I've gotten myself into by blogging for the next
five hours, but I don't have a social life, so let's
get going.]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 00:21:23 EST 88237