I Would Have Saved/Killed: Slaughter High

It's time for another round of I Would Have Saved/Killed, the feature where we pick a character, big or small, from a movie and explain how, for whatever reason, we would have altered his or her fate.

Don't worry, we will never spoil anything pre-jump, though obviously everything after the break is operating under the assumption you've seen the film to the right, so be warned. And a big tip of our hat to Arbogast on Film for inspiring us with his post The One You Might Have Saved.

Click through to see who I would have saved from the April-Fools'-day horror flick, Slaughter High (1986).

Name: Digby The Caretaker né Janitor

Fate: Dead

Cause Of Death: Choke-Slam/Door Hook To The Back Of The Head Combo

Verdict: I Would Have Saved Him

Reason: You've heard the saying "don't sweat the small stuff"? Those are words that Digby takes mighty seriously. And to Digby, it's all small stuff. Even though he's in Slaughter High for just two short scenes, Digby - with his Zen sense of "s'okay by me if it's'okay by you" - is one of my favorite parts of the film.

The first time we meet Digby the Janitor, he's passing by a high school girls' locker room. The door to the locker room should have six panes of frosted glass, but one of the panes has been knocked clean out. So Digby does what you'd expect Digby to do: he takes a quick peek:


We know that the kids are in the middle of pulling a mean-spirited prank on a nerd who will go on to be the film's killer. I have no idea what Digby thought was happening. If I were Dibgy I'd sure as heck be curious about what I saw. But that's why Digby's Digby and I'm not. With a smile and a slight whistle, Dibgy simply turns and heads to do what ever it is that Digby does.


Total Digby Time™: 12 seconds

Digby's second scene takes place several years later. The kids he saw in his first scene have returned to the now-abandoned school for a reunion that quickly turns deadly. The school has been closed for five years, and when two of the teens come across Digby roaming the halls, they scream like little girls:


The boys quickly recover, and the trio has the following exchange:


Smug jerk. Don't worry. He gets his later in the film. (Also, your guess for why a building that has been closed for 5 years has a dedicated caretaker - much less a dedicated caretaker that works nights - is as good as mine. Let's just roll with it.)

Anyway, consistent with Digby's life philosophy, he lets the boys know that the school is going to be knocked down the next month, and that if they "want to have one last go-around," it's fine by him.

In gratitude, the kids offer Digby a beer. He accepts after correctly noting "Well... I guess an old caretaker's gotta take care of himself too!"


Then, beer in hand, Digby gives an awesome half-wave goodbye and takes off down the hall.


Unfortunately, immediately after cracking the beer and taking but a single sip, Digby the Caretaker runs into the film's killer and - well - see for yourself. I'm tearing up a bit:


Total Digby Time™: 1 minute 56 seconds.

I suppose there's a sense of justice that comes from killing off Digby. After all, if he'd stepped in during his first scene he perhaps could have stopped the prank that ended up being a major contributor to the killer's twisted origin story. But you know what? Screw that. A guy as cool as Digby - a live-and-let-live guy who just wants to drink a beer and caretake an abandoned building at night - deserves to keep on caretakin', man.

Digby was actor John Clark's first role. Sadly, his next (and final) on-screen appearance was 10 years later in Savage Hearts, a film directed by Slaughter High's co-director, Mark Ezra. Clark may not have made a large contribution to horror cinema, but he'll always hold a special place in my heart. My hat is off to you, Mr. Clark.