We all know the world is going to end; an inevitability proven by any number of ancient scriptures or Roland Emmerich films. But if we are lucky enough to survive the bomb, or the meteor, or...Nicolas Cage performance that unmakes our entire existence, we will have a whole host of new problems to deal with. As an avid watcher of post-apocalyptic cinema, I decided it was high time to take these prescient forecasts of our inescapable fate and issue a somber warning to our readership. Every week I will breakdown a post-apocalyptic film (usually Italian, usually from the 1980's) so that we may ready ourselves for the bleak future ahead of us. I give you Aftermath Mondays!

This Week's Disaster: Warrior of the Lost World


Once again we return to the land of marinara and honey for this week's Warrior of the Lost World. This film exemplifies all that is inept about this subgenre as well as everything I love about it. The rip-offs run rampant as do the bad effects and tinny, silly sound effects. They also use the mountains of Italy to predicate the illusion that the world has been blown to smithereens. Not only that, but Fred "The Hammer" Williamson is back as a mysterious badass who tries, and fails, to motivate our wet blanket hero. As a special side note, this film was bad enough to be featured on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I highly recommend watching both versions as they are both hysterical.

Who Did They Rip-off: Director David Worth talks about this film being Clint Eastwood's High Plains Drifter on a motorcycle. At the beginning of the film just like in High Plains Drifter, the hero--the avenging angel--rides in through the heat waves, kills the bad guys, and rides back out through the mists of the heat waves. There are also no shortage of Mad Max plagiarisms and references to Aldous Huxley's Brave New World.

What Went Wrong: Apparently the Earth was ultimately ruined by the cryptic Nuclear War. Very few cities are in tact and the majority of the planet has now been renamed the wastelands. This also caused the collapse of all governments which should go without saying considering the ruined Earth but I'm glad the prologue took the time to let us know that in addition to the planet being scorched and decimated, the upcoming election for state comptroller will likely be canceled.

Who Survived: A conglomerate of survivors in the wasteland whom adopt the name The Outsiders who are looking to establish a social system they call The New Way. These guys look like the 1980's took a big dump on them and yet somehow they are feral? There are also cults of mystics who have the ability to heal but not the ability to provide a decent actress to accompany our hero on his quest. Also, keep a sharp eye out for the ninjas-in-a-van who show up to beat the tar out of our hero but whose existence is never explained. Also, little known fact, tarantulas are well-equipped to survive a nuclear holocaust but they adapt the ability to be louder than bottle rockets.

Who's In Charge: A powerful military organization known as The Omega has seized power. They rule the land as the ultimate big brother and rob The Outsiders of their basic freedoms whenever possible. They dress like Nazis at a demolition derby and live, homoerotic leather shows are their idea of entertainment. Their leader, a man called Prossor, is not only an evil despot but also played by Donald Pleasence so you know he's insane. Though it sure was nice of MGM to lend him his Blofeld suit from You Only Live Twice.

Who Will Save Us: Our hero is simply called The Rider; again a rip-off of Clint Eastwood. He is my absolute least favorite protagonist of any of the Italian post-apocalyptic film. He is whinny, mumbely, and incredibly obnoxious. His protruding cheeks make it seem as if a catfish with a beard has been tasked with saving the wastelands and nearly everything he says is indecipherable. I especially love that our hero, our HERO, forgets to look where he is going as he is riding and runs full-on into a mountain. Yeah, I'd place all my faith into some dunce that allows a mountain to sneak up on him. As if his own dull personality and petulant mood swings weren't annoying enough, he has the most irritating vehicle ever conceived by man. Oh yes, his motorcycle talks. Well, by talks I mean it blurts out two to three words at a time in a digital falsetto that will have you grinding your teeth by minute three. The dubious name given to the bike is Einstein which, by about the third or fourth utterance of 80's lingo, will seem majorly erroneous.

When Will It All End: In a rare oversight by a film of this ilk, no titular or context clues exist to hint at the Earth's expiration date. The prologue, despite its propensity for exclamation points, offers no date whatsoever for THE nuclear war that ended it all. But judging by the inescapably 80's attire and lexicons that have survived, I can only assume that the cataclysm came to pass during an Oingo Boingo concert in 1984.