Don't worry, we will never spoil anything pre-jump, though obviously everything after the break is operating under the assumption you've seen the film to the right, so be warned. And a big tip of our hat to Arbogast on Film for inspiring us with his post The One You Might Have Saved.
Cause Of Death: Suffocation, presumably
Verdict: I Would Have Saved Her
Don't believe me? Imagine this. You're at home on an Friday night, minding your own business, drinking box wine by yourself. You aren't expecting company, and you certainly haven't ordered any pizza. Suddenly the doorbell rings. You open it and see this monstrosity:
What do you do? Run? Scream? Faint from the sheer terror of what you are witnessing? Not this girl. At first she looks (at most) mildly surprised. But she recovers almost immediately, puts her empty hand on her hip, hoists her wine-carrying hand just a smidgen, and then - in her sassiest voice - utters the legendary (to me, at least) line: "Oh, pizza?"
She's not shocked that there's a giant mutated clown on her doorstep! Nor is she the least bit bothered by the sudden appearance of his two buddies.
This woman is clearly made of sterner stuff than you or I. In fact, it is only when a fourth mutant clown emerges from the stack of pizza boxes that our heroine finally displays a hint - just a hint, mind you - of fear.
Sadly, it is the fourth clown that proves to be her undoing. With a cowardly blast of the tiny guy's cotton-candy gun, the World's Bravest Lingere-Wearing, Wine-Sipping Blonde dies an ignoble death.
This brave soul clearly deserved a better fate, and in my alternate universe, she would have quickly dispatched the four clowns on her doorstep, displaced the goofs who - up until that point - had been the film's lead characters, and saved the world from the Pancake-Makeup Menace.