Moviegoers have two new choices this weekend - unless you are fortunate enough to have Andrea Arnold's exceptional Fish Tank opening in your area. One of them is the kid-friendly The Spy Next Door with Jackie Chan taking a cue from Vin "The Pacifier" Diesel as an action hero babysitting some children. To date the Lionsgate film hasn't found any quotes to use in the ads. And hard to imagine they will find many for a film directed by Brian "Snow Dogs" Levant. The standout choice for the weekend is the return of the Hughes Brothers to theaters. Hard to believe that Allan & Albert have been out of the game since their 2001 adaptation of Alan Moore's From Hell. Even harder to believe that The Book Of Eli is being greeted by a who's who of the unreliable.

The quotes on the ads have been getting shifted around all week. Beginning as a combo package where one junketeer's thoughts are finished by another, the quotes then were expanded upon under the individual's names and then finally reduced to the bare minimum, easy-to-read adjectives for all to see. It began with:

"An awe-inspiring epic." - Jake Hamilton
"Stunning. An absolute must-see." - Paul Fischer
"Revolutionary." - Stuart Lee
"Denzel Washington is phenomenal." - Shawn Edwards
"Never been better." - Paul Fischer

The second ad became:

"The first must-see movie of 2010." - Paul Fischer
"Brilliant and mesmerizing every step of the journey." - Mark S. Allen
"Denzel Washington is phenomenal. He's at the top of his game." - Shawn Edwards
"A visually awe-inspiring epic that will rock your soul." - Jake Hamilton

And now it is just down to "Stunning," "Original", "Epic,", etc...etc...lemon...etc...


Until the fourth ad that includes more of Shawn Edwards' "review" and then some:

"Hypnotically gripping. Riveting and profound." - Shawn Edwards
"An epic adventure." - Rick Florino
"The perfect movie." - Fred Topel

Baring more than a passing resemblance to I Am Legend, it's a wonder we haven't seen Ben Lyons on the ads calling it "one of the greatest movies ever made." But these quote whores will certainly do. Mark S. Allen was the Criticwatch Whore of the Year in 2008. After a surprising absence from 2009's list, Allen has already marked the territory with his second quote of 2010 - his first on this past weekend's Leap Year. Currently sporting an 18% rating at Rotten Tomatoes, Allen called it "The perfect movie for the season." Cause when you think the post-holiday blues, you think of bad rom-coms set in Ireland.

Jake Hamilton was cited as a quote whore to watch for 2010 and he's off to a swinging start. Both Shawn Edwards and Stuart Lee did make the Top 10 for '09 (#4 & #8, respectively). One might be inclined to ask Stuart Lee about his choice of adjectives. There's already one Avatar in theaters. I don't know how "revolutionary" a post-apocalyptic warrior adventure story is even if it does turn out to be good. Start with The Postman and make your way up the list of films with a similarly-themed plot.

Swapping out Hamilton's "visually awe-inspiring epic" is Rick Florino's "an epic adventure." Florino is the guy who said Imagine That was "the best way to kick off the summer" in 2009 and that The Haunting In Connecticut was "the scariest movie since The Exorcist." Then you have Fred Topel (also quoted on the ads for Youth In Revolt this week) whose words pretty much speak for themselves. According to him, The Book of Eli is "the perfect movie." He also said about a certain upcoming Best Picture nominee: "One basterd of a movie... Who wants to hear Quentin Tarantino dialogue in a foreign language, thus having to read it?" And his witticism for the latest Harry Potter film: "They should cast Will Smith as the Half-Fresh Prince. Then I'd be interested." Fred Topel, ladies and gentlemen.

If you go back and focus on the first ad round-up though, you will notice that Shawn Edwards states how "phenomenal" Denzel Washington is and is then followed up by Paul Fischer saying that he has "never been better." Got that everyone? Paul Fischer states in just a few words that this is the best performance of Denzel's acclaimed career. If you were to create a top five list of Denzel's work, you could look no further than his Oscar-nominated work.

Cry Freedom (1988), Glory (1989), Malcolm X (1992), The Hurricane (1999), Training Day (2001).

And in case you forgot, two of those he won Oscars for. Can Fischer really stand by his comments that Denzel Washington's performance in The Book Of Eli is superior to his turns in Glory and Training Day? Or did some genius at the marketing department write that up and ask Paul to attach his name to it? Either way, Paul Fischer is not a reviewer to be trusted. And until the reviews start coming in from some legitimate sources, you may want to curb your excitement over The Book Of Eli.