One could only assume that Dear Abbey was eaten alive by a horde of the unholy. Who then can we trust for sage advice about the end of times or, more importantly, how to get coagulated zombie blood out of sweaters looted from abandoned shopping malls? Tallahassee and Columbus, that's who.

The two kind souls at the heart of the upcoming undead opus Zombieland would like to take a break from surviving the apocalypse to share a few tips with fellow aspiring slayers of the newly reanimated. So take a minute or six to learn valuable life lessons such as:

The skull crushing force of a cast iron skillet.

Watch video after the jump



The omnipresent necessity of paper towels.



The multipurpose use of a bowling ball.



The indispensable value of a Swiss Army Knife.



The timelessness of the buddy system.



Zombieland will be in theaters on October 9th or catch it early at Fantastic Fest in Austin, TX.